Robert

It's that time of year again.

The one I dread.

That's not because of any problem for me, though.

It's my friend Robert.

You might think he's a bit of a goody-goody.

He's even a boy scout, no less.

But that's the problem.

Because all those years of hot summer nights spent under canvas, playing with his toggle with lots of other cute, spunky youngsters, have given him a taste for the great outdoors.

There's nothing Robert likes better than to get away into the countryside for the weekend break.

So what?, you're saying.

Well, nothing in itself, I admit.

And even the fact that Robert likes to feel the warm summer breeze on his skin - all over! - isn't usually a problem, because he always makes sure he finds a suitably isolated site to put up his tent.

No, the problem is with eating.

Of course, it's not that he's too fat. As you can see, Robert's a perfectly proportioned sort of boy.

No, the difficulty is with the cooking.

There's Robert, preparing a nice meal while that cool breeze wafts all over him.

And there's the barbeque spitting red-hot drops of fat all over the place.

Ouch!

Get the picture now?

But Robert says it's all worth it.

He thinks that eating - and especially eating outdoors - is one of the great pleasures in life.

In fact, it's his favourite - along with sex, that is.

And he tries to combine the two of them as often as he can - even when he's on one of his trips alone.

"Food is so sexy", he says.

And, when I just can't see what he's talking about, he shows me.

"The best barbecue food mustn't be round", he explains.

"Take a potato, for instance.

"If you tried to cook something that shape, it would be completely burned on the outside before it even got warm in the middle.

"So the ideal shape for barbecue food that'll cook all the way through is long and thin."

Suddenly I can see where this conversation is heading - but Robert's in full flow now and eager to demonstrate what he means.

"Sausages, for instance - they're very sexy", he explains.

"And lots of people don't realise that if you peel them, coat them with syrup and seal them in foil, you can even barbecue bananas too.

"They're not only delicious but sexy too.

"And sometimes I need one so badly that I can't even wait to put it on the fire before sticking it in my mouth."

Robert's in full flow now.

He can't tell me enough of his secrets.

Like the unexpected uses he has for the mayonnaise - or even the hot mustard (ouch, again!)

Sometimes that's when he's just on his own…

…and sometimes it's when he's got a friend with him.

And, mentioning friends, Robert's got a special one - Harry, a fellow boy scout.

They often go camping together and have a great time.

In fact, they only disagree on one thing.

A healthy boy like Robert, in tip-top physical condition, doesn't smoke.

And he's desperate for his friend to give up cigarettes too.

So, when Harry gets really desperate, Robert offers him an especially tempting alternative.

Maybe Harry could just about manage with something else?

It looks like pretty much like the shape of a cigarette (though it can, in the hands of an expert, get quite a bit longer!)

And, after Robert's special preparation, the substitute will even, he promises, taste exactly like the real thing.