Dexter

I'm gonna be straight with you.

Shit! I guess that's not exactly the best choice of words, huh?

OK, let's try that one again…

I'm gonna be honest with you.

Some of you may think I'm here under false pretences - 'cos I'm gonna tell you right now that I'm bi.

I swear to you - I really do like both guys and girls.

But the focus at the moment's got to be on girls.

And one, in particular.

That's my girlfriend Tracey-Diane.

Because she's pregnant.

And, after talking about it for a long time, we've decided we're gonna keep the baby.

Of course, once we made that choice I decided I gotta start acting a bit more responsibly.

And, especially, I'm gonna have to start making some serious money if we're gonna be raising a kid together.

That's why I'm here, of course. An extra few hundred bucks for baby clothes and all the other shit you've gotta buy - and gets grown out of in just a coupla' weeks - is gonna be real useful to Tracey-Diane and me right now.

And, in any case, it's no big deal to me to let you see naked pictures of me 'cos, like I say, I've never had a problem with gay guys.

In fact the main problem I've had lately has been with Tracey-Diane.

We've been having big arguments about the most stupid thing - what we're gonna call the baby when it's born.

To me, it was obvious.

Dexter, after his dad, if it's a boy.

And Dextra for a girl - got a sorta Hollywood star sound about it, doncha' think?

But, for some reason, Tracey-Diane wasn't havin' none of that.

She was fucked, she said, if a kid of hers was gonna go through life as Dexter Dogherty.

And, anyone going by the handle Dextra sounds to her, she says, like a brand of toilet bowl cleaner.

Dextra - kills germs dead, all around the rim!

So, in an effort to keep the peace, I went out the other day and bought one of those books which gives you all the possible names - as well as dozens of pretty impossible-sounding ones too.

I didn't know, 'til I read it, that people's names have real meanings.

But I'm not convinced.

It says that Robert, for instance, means strength. Well, the only Robert I know is some old queen who's hardly got the strength to lift my dick into his mouth, so that don't seem quite right for a start.

And then, turning to girls' names, I read that Amanda means worthy to be loved. Well, there's a joke for a start. The only Amanda I've ever known was just about worthy, on one of her better days, of being shoved head-first down a storm drain.

So I was beginning to think that the book was just a pile of poo.

And then I looked up my own name - Dexter.

And that's when it got spooky.

Because Dexter, it turns out, comes from a Latin word meaning right-handed - and that's me down to a tee.

I know, I know, most people are right-handed aren't they? But with me I just don't use the left hand for anything at all. Even when I play computer games, it's just tapping away at the keyboard with one hand.

Let me show you…

Whenever I itch, I scratch myself with my right hand - even when it's on my left side…

Whenever I play with my dick through my pants I use my right hand too…

I take my pants off with my right hand…

And I also use it when I'm trying to make a point to someone…

When I get myself off by sticking a coupla' fingers up my ass, it's the ones on the right hand that I'll lick a little before shovin' 'em in…

Of course, it goes without sayin' that it's my right hand I use to wipe my ass after I've had a crap (but I'm not so gross as to show you that here)…

It's the same again when I jerk off…

..and when I rinse the cum away afterwards.

And it's even the right hand that tells me that I'm plum tuckered out and it's time to get to bed.

So I've decided that the book's pretty accurate really - and I'm gonna be using it to decide the name for my new kid.

Of course, if it takes after its dad, there's not really a great deal of argument.

If it's a girl, she'll be called Fanny.

And if it's a boy, it's really gotta be Dick.